6 months. Not really a lot of time. It can feel like forever, or pass in a blink. This last stretch seemed like both to me. Still with that weird sense of unreality. Eventually i’ll wake up. Right?
It’s not bad really, denial that is. In thinking i like it better than the alternative, that’s for sure.
Stupid word *acceptance*. Why do we have to accept anything? If i want to be pissed about? it, i have the right to be pissed forever if i want. Or even if i don’t.
See the thing is,the longer I can hold onto denial, the longer i keep it together. Like take today for instance. I decided to deny it was a holiday. No turkey,not even pie. Noone noticed, other than here at the house,where Gma J wondered why we never came back for dinner. I felt bad about ditching, but only because we knew she worked hard on it. Ill make it up to her. She’s getting a great surprise for her xmas. Right before i ignore that day too. I know, it’s childish, ineffective, blah, whatever, blah. I don’t care. I get that it goes on, won’t change anything, etc. Still don’t care. I can’t face another holiday without having my kids all with me, let alone that plus no Mom. Uh-uh nope. Maybe next year. Maybe not. We’ll see.
In the meantime, in all seriousness…… I need pie. BAD.